There are still so many moments to process from my trip to Malawi...so many thoughts and feelings. My original intention was to share them just as they appeared in my journal, but that isn't possible. Who I am has already changed since I have returned. Every day I become new...in some areas I falter, in others I gain ground. We are all a work in progress, day after day, year after year, becoming who we are, straining to become who we were meant to be. Thank goodness for this truth! I certainly don't want to stay who I am, I long to be more like who God intends for me to be in Christ.

It is encouraging for me to know that God promises to be with me forever, and that He promises to keep working in my life until the Day that Jesus returns.

"Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians1:1

He promises to "care for me" and "carry me along and save me" (Isaiah 46:4) Really, what more could I ask for?

On the day before we left Malawi, our team leader posed a few questions. He asked us to go off on our own and spend time with God answering them. It is easy being confident when you send someone off and ask them to spend time in prayer and to listen for the Lord, that they will hear Him. God is constantly speaking. If we would only get quiet long enough to hear what He is saying...It is our own internal dialog which drowns Him out.

One of the questions was, "What has the Holy Spirit revealed to you or shown you in your heart about you?" I pulled out my journal and closed my eyes. Thinking about myself in the midst of all that was going on hadn't even occurred to me. There was so much ministry going on that to focus on myself seemed selfish somehow...I began writing..."I can be impatient. I can be easily distracted - I need to focus on Jesus to get things done. But also, I am a leader. I am an encourager, and I am able to go anywhere and do anything that God asks me to, because He is the one doing the work. I know what to say, and I know what to pray, thanks to His leading. I need to remember to ask for guidance and for direction each time that I set out - and when I do, He will gladly lead me. I am never alone or without purpose, and should never again live that way." Wow...not exactly what I expected to come gushing out - but good stuff.

There were many other questions, and I will share their answers to them too, but I want to share one other thing that God showed me that was powerful for me. Question number four was, "What is God asking you to do or wanting you to do?" This sounded simple enough...but that is a very big question! I sat in my bedroom at the orphanage, staring out the window and thinking (I am almost certain that had you been in the room, you could have heard those wheels turning...squeaking and spinning) I really tried to be open and to hear what God had to say. As I reflected, this is what I finally wrote, "God is asking me to 'Go for Him'." Isaiah 6:8 says "Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, 'Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?' And I said, "Here am I, send me!'." Every day I came to this same scripture during my devotional time with the Lord. Every day I screamed inside, "Send Me!" Every morning, sitting on the wall outside the chapel at Esther's House, looking at the mountains in the background, over the brick wall with barbed wire on top I answered, "Send Me!"...(I continued writing) "This place is built like a compound, a fortress from which we go forth in power and spread Your word to a world that is hungry and broken. You are our fortress Lord. You are our mighty wall of protection from which we move out in Your power and Your might. You keep me safe! Inside of You I rest, just as I rested here each night and You restored my strength for the next day. You give me Your perfect word to eat and fill me, to give me sustenance just like all of the meals that I ate within these walls....this is where I got all of the nutrients that I needed, all of the energy to go out and do Your work. I got cleansed with in theses walls, just like You cleanse me in Your living water, each day I started fresh and clean and new, as pure as I could be here in this world. All of my needs were met here within this stronghold, this fortress, this protection of Yours. I don't really know where You want me to go next, but there is no going back now...Wherever it is Lord, I will go for You! Unlike Jonah, I will go the first time that You ask me and I will carry out Your commands. You are the one in charge. You guide me, and I will go!

It was such a simple thing. Every day we looked out of the windows and the doors of Esther's House and there was a wall with barbed wire, and steel gates, and watchmen. We were kept safe. The children were kept safe. There was constant provision. After a while it was easy to just not see the wall anymore...to forget that the watchmen were working at their post...to look past the sharp wire rolls that topped each wall surrounding us, and to take that safety for granted. It was easy to forget that the only reason we were able to reach so many people for Christ on this trip was because we had been fed, cleansed, and rested...because we had been protected throughout the night. We went out in great power, not our power, but God's. He was our stronghold and our safe place.

"Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, 'He is my refuge and my fortress, my God in whom I trust.'" - Psalm 91:1-2

Whether God asks me to go on mission in Malawi, or my own neighborhood I will go for Him. I will go after filling with His word, and cleansing in His living water and resting in His presence. I will go knowing that He is my protection, my refuge and my strength. I will go as He leads me and say what He commands me to. I will go.