I haven't written in awhile...so much change has been going on. I have felt like I was hanging in mid-air, dangling if you will, about to fall at any moment. But I have not fallen. My feet have not yet touched the ground where they will surely feel more comfortable, where I might feel like I was in control...but I haven't died yet either. That's what it felt like when I started to traverse from the safe comfortable spot that had been my cocoon. I knew what to expect there...where to eat and sleep and work, even where to play and relax and goof off... It was home and I knew where everything was. It felt safe - and good or bad, I always knew what to expect.

 

Then came the change, the uncontrollable movement of everything around me and suddenly I found myself hanging  from a silken thread just like the picture of this inchworm above...no longer in familiar territory - but not yet at my destination either...I was suspended between the two by what often seemed an invisible thread, which kept me from falling too fast so that I wouldn't get hurt.

 

At first it felt scary and I certainly didn't like dangling there at the mercy of something that I didn't completely trust..."I mean how strong is a silk thread anyway" I found myself thinking, "you can't really even see it except in just the right light" I complained to myself. Some days I just knew that I was going to crash to the ground. Every gust of wind found me swaying back and forth like I was on some crazy carnival ride that only a child could love. But somehow the thread was always strong enough.

 

As everything around me has changed, I am starting to realize that I have been changing too. I have been getting stronger hanging here on this thread. The wind wasn't hurting me, it was helping me to trust that this silk wasn't going to let me fall. And the wind made me use muscles that I had never used before...every desperate wiggle was actually strengthening me... 

 

I really didn't have a way to express what I have been going through until today. God in His infinite kindness showed me something this morning. I was walking the puppy (in the dark...it was 5a.m. ugh...) and as he made his way through the wet grass and leaves he stopped near the lamppost in front of my house. There is a large oak tree nearby and something was hanging from it. As a gentle breeze blew I saw the thread glimmer in the lamplight and my sleepy brain, which I am shocked was working yet without having had it's morning coffee fix, finally determined that it was an inchworm in descent from it's cocoon. Standing there with a new perspective (no longer feeling like the worm, but now seeing the "bigger picture") I found myself smiling.

 

As usual with me, God had given me a picture, a parable, a truth from nature, to explain what was happening to me. I was able to see things from beyond myself, and it gave me great peace. I mean, have you ever seen an inchworm plummet to the ground and just splat and die?...Me either. What I have seen my entire life instead, is a slow descent (sometimes they are there for days)... a gentle movement so slow that I really don't know how long it takes...But the thread remains strong enough for the entire journey.

 

God's hold on my life may seem invisible at times, but in the right light I can see it holding me securely. When I stay in His word and in His presence, even the gusts of wind find their purpose and I can trust that He won't let me drop too fast!

 

I really have no idea what is in store for me on the ground, but I am close enough to it now to see it, to survey it a bit from here.. It isn't so scary now that I am closer, it's actually kind of exciting and I am looking forward to exploring! I have done a lot of growing and strengthening while I was dangling in between the two places...and I couldn't have done that where I was or where I am going...I needed the in-between.

 

Some things in life are God's provision. We don't recognize it as such right away, but He gives us gifts of clarity and assurance like He gave me this morning. It was an unexpected grace which came just when I needed it. (God's timing is perfect, after all, He is God). Holding on to this will help me the rest of the way until I get to my destination. God is so merciful and he knows my heart and my emotions. He wants me to have a full and abundant life. He wants what is best for me, and that is not staying in the same place where I might become complacent and unusable...He has granted me the gift of change and now I can fully embrace it. Thank you Lord for this great start today in the midst of what has been a difficult time. You are always so good to me :)

 

"In You, Lord God, I put my trust. I trust in You...Show me Your ways Lord, teach me Your paths. Guide me in your truth and teach me, for You O God are my Savior, and my hope is in You all day long." - Psalm 25:1, 4-5

 

 

I have been awake since 2 a.m....Sometimes I wake up and just know that I have been woken up for a reason. Sometimes it is to pray for someone, sometimes it is to spend time in God's word...and sometimes it's to just listen to Him.

I have been wrestling with God about a few things that appear to be unchangeable in my life. He assures me that nothing is impossible for Him. ("With God all things are possible" - Matthew 19:26)When the things that are happening are out of your control (we cannot make decisions for other people in our lives) it tends to make us feel that they are out of God's control as well. They are not. Nothing is impossible for Him.

As Creator of all things, God has no limitations. There is no end to how and what He can do. It is our own minds which limit Him by our inability to conceive of His Greatness or His Magnitude...We find ourselves without sufficient words to sustain the concept of His Sovereignty and Dominion.

I find myself awake this morning turning over the things that I somehow have kept a hold on for all of these years...I find myself this morning relinquishing these things to the Lord, opening my hand and finally letting Him take them...I find myself this morning praising Him and worshiping Him with every breath filled moment...I find myself completely in awe of who He is and inexplicably in love with this Great One who loves me despite myself...I find myself this morning joyful and expectant... I find myself this morning able to fully trust in the One who has made me, loved me, saved me, and purposed my life...I find myself this morning, complete and graciously cared for... I find myself this morning hopelessly in love with my Lord.

I have never been so grateful to be awakened from my sleep as this morning, when God has lavished me with the certainty of His great love for me, like oil poured onto my head, His love drips over me and covers me completely...

Jesus, thank you for coming here to make this moment possible. Thank you for loving me enough to take away all of my sin, my guilt, my shame...There truly are no words to convey the peace that I have been woken up to experience today...a priceless gift that I will treasure always!

It continues to amaze me how this mission trip to Malawi keeps on reaching people. We have been home over a month now and the stories just keep coming in...how people are reaching other people all through one trip from one moment in time. It gets me thinking...it's like ripples in the water when you toss in a stone...they just keep going...they continue on reaching and stretching until they finally fade to the point that you can't see them....but the water keeps moving. This is what our time in Malawi was like.

Just the other day a team mate told me about a friend from Facebook who he is talking to about Christ because they were following his comments about the trip on Facebook. Another team mate invited friends from her workplace for dinner and shared pictures and the evangi-kube with them (none of them are Christians)...she allowed the trip to witness to what happens to a life when you give it completely to Jesus. I gave a PowerPoint presentation at work for several hundred staff and residents and talked about Jesus, showed pictures of people excepting Christ as their Lord and Savior and explained the gospel while showing them the evangi-kube . Some of my team mates and I went to speak with the young kids during Sunday school time at church and showed a video of our trip and talked to the kids about missions work....about going somewhere for God, and that that can mean your own community, or somewhere far away in the world. And I was in my local newspaper where a really great reporter shared my feelings about faith in action and actually quoted that God was the reason why I went to Malawi and also the reason why I did volunteer work locally with at risk youth living in a group home in my neighborhood. One of the younger kids who went on our trip made a video that was all over Facebook and reached hundreds of people. And another one of the young kids called me yesterday to see if she could work with me at the group home to try to reach kids for Christ as part of her Christian Endeavor leadership project!!! (Seriously these are only a few examples, remember we had 27 people go on this trip.) I even have the aspirations to try and consolidate these blog-posts and edit them a bit, to put together a devotional book and to get it published...

Imagine 27 lives, deeply changed, reaching out and touching hundreds, maybe even thousands of other lives....For those of you who are old enough, the  Faberge Shampoo commercial comes to mind..."You tell someone, and they tell someone, and so on, and so on..." before you know it you have reached the world!

This is how sharing the gospel works. Jesus sent out disciples...and now there are millions of Christians all around the world. There are thousands of Christians going out on missions to other lands today. There are thousands of Christians staying home and doing missions work today.  There are hundreds of thousands of people coming to Christ today!

We live in an interesting time in history....there is so much freedom, and yet more captivity than ever before. There are child and sex slaves, there are slaves to their careers and to money and to pleasure and to greed...there are slaves to video games, television, Facebook, gambling, drinking, drugs, pornography....The things that hold people captive ripple out as well. The things that ensnare our hearts and souls touch us, and then those around us just like the "Faberge shampoo commercial" We share our inadequacies, our fears, our dysfunction..."and so on and so on". Thank goodness the Gospel is also rippling out into the world with a rapid pace, rippling out over the sins of the world ...chasing the demons and the captives and the criminals and the victims...reaching out and touching lives, restoring them one by one. The truth of Jesus Christ continues to stretch out and grasp those who are quickly falling off the endless precipice of a meaningless existence and pulling them back to life, to real life, to an abundant life!

"For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him. Whoever believes in Him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe is condemned  already because they have not believed in the name of God's one and only Son. This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but people loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear their deeds will be exposed." - John 3:16-20

Life with Jesus is abundant, joyful, exciting, complete! (John 10:10) Before I became a Christian, my concept of the Christian life was that it was riddled with rules, it was inflexible and  most importantly, it was boring. What I had seen were a bunch of people who merely went to church on Sundays for an hour every week. They didn't apply God's word to their lives. They didn't effect their world. They didn't challenge themselves to grow and mature...They didn't live in the light!

What I had seen was people who picked and chose which parts of God's word that they were comfortable following, and left the rest for those "Radical born again types". What I had seen was organized religion which functioned primarily with out Jesus. What I had seen wasn't the gospel, it wasn't the truth...and so instead of making me whole, it repelled me. Unfortunately this is what the majority of the unsaved see.

We as the church, as disciples, have been given a command. We have a very specific job to do. "Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you." - Matthew 28:19-20.

As far as I can tell, we should all be "going" and "making"...not "sitting" and "singing"...Don't get me wrong, There is great benefit to gathering with the body of Christ on Sundays and being instructed by the word of God and worshiping together...great benefit! But, this is only part of the christian life... just a sliver of the whole. We should be in constant communication with the Father. Every day should be filled with instruction from His word. Every day should find you worshiping Him. Every day should find you taking the time to have meaningful relationships with others wherever you go...making disciples, teaching them how to obey God's commands so that they too can have eternal life.

Every day is a missionary opportunity, where ever it is that you are going...to the local grocery store or to Malawi Africa, you take with you the most precious life giving gift! You are able to do something of eternal value today...just Go! Go with confidence in the One who sent you. Make a difference. Change the world.

There are still so many moments to process from my trip to Malawi...so many thoughts and feelings. My original intention was to share them just as they appeared in my journal, but that isn't possible. Who I am has already changed since I have returned. Every day I become new...in some areas I falter, in others I gain ground. We are all a work in progress, day after day, year after year, becoming who we are, straining to become who we were meant to be. Thank goodness for this truth! I certainly don't want to stay who I am, I long to be more like who God intends for me to be in Christ.

It is encouraging for me to know that God promises to be with me forever, and that He promises to keep working in my life until the Day that Jesus returns.

"Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians1:1

He promises to "care for me" and "carry me along and save me" (Isaiah 46:4) Really, what more could I ask for?

On the day before we left Malawi, our team leader posed a few questions. He asked us to go off on our own and spend time with God answering them. It is easy being confident when you send someone off and ask them to spend time in prayer and to listen for the Lord, that they will hear Him. God is constantly speaking. If we would only get quiet long enough to hear what He is saying...It is our own internal dialog which drowns Him out.

One of the questions was, "What has the Holy Spirit revealed to you or shown you in your heart about you?" I pulled out my journal and closed my eyes. Thinking about myself in the midst of all that was going on hadn't even occurred to me. There was so much ministry going on that to focus on myself seemed selfish somehow...I began writing..."I can be impatient. I can be easily distracted - I need to focus on Jesus to get things done. But also, I am a leader. I am an encourager, and I am able to go anywhere and do anything that God asks me to, because He is the one doing the work. I know what to say, and I know what to pray, thanks to His leading. I need to remember to ask for guidance and for direction each time that I set out - and when I do, He will gladly lead me. I am never alone or without purpose, and should never again live that way." Wow...not exactly what I expected to come gushing out - but good stuff.

There were many other questions, and I will share their answers to them too, but I want to share one other thing that God showed me that was powerful for me. Question number four was, "What is God asking you to do or wanting you to do?" This sounded simple enough...but that is a very big question! I sat in my bedroom at the orphanage, staring out the window and thinking (I am almost certain that had you been in the room, you could have heard those wheels turning...squeaking and spinning) I really tried to be open and to hear what God had to say. As I reflected, this is what I finally wrote, "God is asking me to 'Go for Him'." Isaiah 6:8 says "Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, 'Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?' And I said, "Here am I, send me!'." Every day I came to this same scripture during my devotional time with the Lord. Every day I screamed inside, "Send Me!" Every morning, sitting on the wall outside the chapel at Esther's House, looking at the mountains in the background, over the brick wall with barbed wire on top I answered, "Send Me!"...(I continued writing) "This place is built like a compound, a fortress from which we go forth in power and spread Your word to a world that is hungry and broken. You are our fortress Lord. You are our mighty wall of protection from which we move out in Your power and Your might. You keep me safe! Inside of You I rest, just as I rested here each night and You restored my strength for the next day. You give me Your perfect word to eat and fill me, to give me sustenance just like all of the meals that I ate within these walls....this is where I got all of the nutrients that I needed, all of the energy to go out and do Your work. I got cleansed with in theses walls, just like You cleanse me in Your living water, each day I started fresh and clean and new, as pure as I could be here in this world. All of my needs were met here within this stronghold, this fortress, this protection of Yours. I don't really know where You want me to go next, but there is no going back now...Wherever it is Lord, I will go for You! Unlike Jonah, I will go the first time that You ask me and I will carry out Your commands. You are the one in charge. You guide me, and I will go!

It was such a simple thing. Every day we looked out of the windows and the doors of Esther's House and there was a wall with barbed wire, and steel gates, and watchmen. We were kept safe. The children were kept safe. There was constant provision. After a while it was easy to just not see the wall anymore...to forget that the watchmen were working at their post...to look past the sharp wire rolls that topped each wall surrounding us, and to take that safety for granted. It was easy to forget that the only reason we were able to reach so many people for Christ on this trip was because we had been fed, cleansed, and rested...because we had been protected throughout the night. We went out in great power, not our power, but God's. He was our stronghold and our safe place.

"Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, 'He is my refuge and my fortress, my God in whom I trust.'" - Psalm 91:1-2

Whether God asks me to go on mission in Malawi, or my own neighborhood I will go for Him. I will go after filling with His word, and cleansing in His living water and resting in His presence. I will go knowing that He is my protection, my refuge and my strength. I will go as He leads me and say what He commands me to. I will go.

It is amazing to me that there isn't just one special moment or one distinct day from this trip that stands out from among the others...Every day, each minute, was as spectacular as the next. We walked in the power of the Holy Spirit.

 It was easier to plant seeds here in Malawi, the soil of people's hearts had been weeded and tilled by the unfortunate circumstances of their lives; poverty, death, illness and abandon of all sorts. Children here cared for other children...Old women meant to be cared for themselves, suddenly found themselves mothering toddlers with whom they could not keep up...Men raised their nieces and nephews...and yet still many children wandered the dusty roads between villages completely alone.

Everywhere we went the faces of little children left to fend for themselves haunted me. During the many bus rides that we took throughout the trip, one image appeared over and over no matter where we were. I kept seeing small children standing against the wall of their house all alone...just leaning against the house starring off toward the road where I was traveling. They were all different children, wearing different clothes, in different villages, leaning against different houses...but all of their eyes begged me to take them, the expressions on their faces all asked me to hold them, to play with them, to care about them...they needed to have someone who knew where they were. At home, if a three year old wandered the streets alone, the child would be taken from the home and placed in foster care...but not here. Here no one looked after these little ones unless someone in their family stepped up to help them.

Village after village we saw kids playing with sharp rusty blades meant for farming. Little ones sat on saw blades, feet dangling and swinging dangerously close. One time a little one sat and listened to me as I described the love of Jesus, he held a rusted hand saw blade and scrapped it against his thigh making marks in the dirt on his leg...he seemed mesmerized by the marks that were appearing and occasionally looked up to hear what I was saying. Every motherly instinct inside of me screamed, "Put that dirty dangerous thing down right now!"...yet I was a visitor in their culture, and had no right to say such things...and so I continued on speaking about a love that I knew could keep him safe forever instead...

On one hand the people were amazing there as they lived out real community, caring for family and neighbors and many of them raising each other's children, but on the other hand they had very little as far as education about so many vital things; about safety and boundaries...and the poverty of their nation had robbed most parents of any time that they could spend with their little ones.

 Both men and women worked hard all day to accomplish what we allow machines to do for us here. Washing clothing is a back breaking ordeal of scrubbing and wringing and rinsing. Making a meal for lunch or dinner begins as early as sunrise starting fires, chasing chickens, plucking feathers...here we walk into a food store and browse arrogantly. We select what others have neatly packaged for us. We do not hunt, we do not kill, we do not really even cook most of what we eat. The variety and choice here is staggering, but we are desensitized to it. Knowing that I would have my meals prepared by others and eat what was provided for me was freeing. Food here was more about provision than selection. Along with the freedom of having no mirrors to worry about what I looked like on the outside, not preparing the food, or deciding what food I would be eating took the concern about "me" out of eating as well...

Let's face it, America is a narcissistic society. Our culture breeds arrogance and self sufficient drivel that convinces us that we "deserve" everything that we want...that we "need" everything that we want...and that we should "have" everything that we want. We no longer take into consideration that what our hearts "want" isn't always good for us. In Pride and rebellion, we refuse to see the sinful and perverted nature of our hearts and minds and we sugar coat everything and wrap it in shiny plastic and then stuff it into our already overcrowded lives and wonder why we feel unhappy, depressed, or unfulfilled...we fail to include God who created us and loves us, in any of our daily routine and wonder why he doesn't show up when we shoot off a prayer request in a selfish tone demanding an immediate response. We are so full of ourselves that we have lost our lives and no longer live for anything that is truly significant.

Going on this trip reminded me how much I, we, need God. I don't only need His guidance, I need His wisdom, His love, His compassion. I, myself, am not good enough to be in charge of my life. I am instinctively selfish and horrid, but with the guidance of God's Spirit, I can genuinely care about others more than myself...I can travel to Africa and find true abundance from pouring myself out in whatever way is needed at that moment. Becoming a servant to others in love has given me peace and fullness and satisfaction (at least as much as I think anyone can be satisfied while in this world). Until the time that I am with Christ, housed in my eternal body, able to look upon His lovely face, I am here because He has a plan for me. He has work for me to do, people for me to love, captives who need to be set free.

It isn't enough for just me to be free, He has changed my heart so that I care for others enough to want them to be free too.

This in itself is a miracle. I am no longer the same person that I was. In Christ, I am a new creation. The old is gone. ?The new has come! "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come. The old has gone, the new is here! All this from God who reconciled us to himself in Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling Himself in Christ, not counting people's sins against them. And He has committed to us the message of reconciliation. We are therefore Christ's ambassadors , as though God were making His appeal through us." - 2Corinthians 5:17-20 ...Ummm, WOW!!!...we have a purpose here folks...if you are "in Christ", not only are you supposed to be living a new way, but people are going to hear God's appeal through your life.

How are you living?
Are you comfortable?
Are you uncomfortable?
What do you talk about?
What are you doing with your life?

If you are living "in Christ", you life will show it, you will bear fruit for His kingdom...you will  be God's ambassador and your life will overflow into all of those around you!